There is a dirty little secret that Iranian women don’t like to talk about. Actually, it’s not so little a secret: It usually overtakes them while still in infancy and haunts them to the end of their days. Some baby girls are born with it, and then spend the next eighty years or so torturing and/or camouflaging this genetic curse handed down from generations of mothers and grandmothers before them.

I am talking about…of course… the female mustache! Sure, sure, turn the page quickly and pretend that you don’t know what I am talking about. But if you are brave enough to admit to it, then maybe I can help you in pushing that Sisyphus’rock down the abyss without it coming back again to haunt you. Before the modern comforts of technology, Iranian women for centuries had found insidious ways to rip the nasty, thick, black hair from their upper lip.

The technique of band-andaazi mixed with tweezing is still popular today probably with your grandma’s generation and the like. The problem is it takes a long long time (pulling hair one by one aouch!) and the constant grinding of that nakh on your skin is likely to give you irritating red blotches and even blisters (not very attractive!). The other alternative in the past was hot wax. Yes, you heard me girls, I am not talking about a kinky Madonna movie. I mean, women used to actually heat the wax over fire until it became this thick viscous hot substance, then apply it to their most tender skin hoping that it would not burn. Then, a piece of cloth was used to rip the now cooled off and sticky wax off their mustache region, taking with it all the hair with it in one single but excruciating sweep. Please girls believe me when I tell you, you don’t have to go through that antiquated process anymore!

In the more recent decade, cosmetic companies came up with modern versions of the hot wax technique used by Iranian women of yonder years. The best improvement is that the wax does not have to be hot anymore. It is applied cold, in pre-designed plastic strips. However, the pain sensation is still there, albeit in a lesser degree. And the brutal movement of the wax on your skin can still leave you with icky spots and redness. Not to mention it is very hard to get rid of the remnants of wax sticking to your skin like super glue. Another disadvantage is that you have to wait before the hair grows long enough so that you can do the next waxing session. No, no, no, still not a satisfactory way to do things in our civilized society, girls.

Some women choose not to get rid of the problem simply to camouflage it like US marines applying green paint to their face so as to blend in with the jungle. So they bleach the unsightly hair hoping it will just disappear to the naked eye. This would be a good theory if the skin tone was also as fair as the bleach applied to the hair. However, the reality is that for most Iranian women, their olive or even cocoa skin tone is not the appropriate canvas to blend in luminously bleached upper lip hair, chameleon-like. The result is that often the hair looks even more out of place, with long, thick, whitish strands sticking out from a dark skin. And girls remember, the most important thing is you don’t want your man to feel he is kissing his uncle Abbas when applying his manly mouth to your tender lips. So I really wouldn’t recommend bleaching as a good option either.

Getting more into the modern realm, electrolysis has been a viable option for women however it’s expensive and time-consuming, since each hair follicle must be treated. It’s like a really expensive and still painful version of tweezing.

Girls, girls, don’t walk away with. You have been patient and brave in following my tedious history of hair removal mishaps, now it is pay off time. The solution for your mustache woes is none other than: Laser removal! Unlike precision "hair-by-hair" treatments like electrolysis, the laser uses a wide beam which treats many hairs at once. So it could take only 10 minutes!!! The second pay off is that it is long lasting. You will see immediate results that will last far longer than shaving, tweezing, waxing, chemical depilation, or other temporary treatments. The pain level is the lowest among other treatments. Most women describe it as mildly uncomfortable but if you are really a scaredy cat, then you can always ask for anesthetic. While initially the area will turn red and puffy, this will subside shortly after. You may also have to do additional treatments but it all depends on what your doctor says.

The best tip Ziba can give you is to consult with numerous laser doctors and don’t be afraid to share your concerns and voice your opinion. Shopping for a laser removal doctor is like shopping for any other important item in your life. So good luck and here’s hoping for a hirsute-free future!

At the end of the article, it would be funny to use a picture of the “bearded lady” as the “Before hair removal” picture side by side with a pretty Iranian model with the caption “After hair removal” picture.